When breakups occur some people say, “He just wasn’t the right person for you.” Do you ever think maybe he just wasn’t the right person for anyone? Maybe he was a jerk. Why would you ever date a jerk though? Could it have something to do with the Ophelia effect? She was one of Shakespeare’s most complex characters. Driven by a toxic love for Hamlet, the emotional pain destroys her. Ophelia’s lack of food makes her delirious and she breaks out into song. Today, that would just be an annoying actor on the subway. She’s severely anorexic and needs help, but women were denied that then. So, she just gets labeled #crazy. Then, after her suicide Hamlet feels remorse. “What, the fair Ophelia!” So ridiculous, this isn’t about you Hamlet. You misogynistic douche bag. You ghosted her, made her feel as though she was nothing. Hamlet is a jerk! Ophelia was the kind one, and had help been available she could have chosen someone who would have appreciated her for her sensitivity and compassion. My question is, why do some of us continue to date “Hamlets?”
Six months had gone by so naturally it was time to end it. (#histurn)So he said, “I think we should break up.” “Wait what? You’re breaking up with me? You told me you wanted to marry me last night.” Okay act like you don’t care. I just don’t understand!” “You’re a big animal person, you might understand this better. So you’re a puppy, a sweet little puppy with big eyes, who gets all excited about things, and it’s so adorable. You want to be around puppies all the time, at the beginning. But then you realize, you have to walk a puppy, make sure it’s being taken care of, pet it. I need more of a cat.” “What, but puppies are so much better than cats.” “ Yeah, puppies are fun for a few months, then you have to train them. Cats don’t bark or need to be cuddled. They’re just there.” “I can be a cat.” “ Aw, you can’t be a cat. That’s flattering that you would change your personality for me. Nothing wrong with being a dog, a lot of guys are into that. I need a cat though ya know. Can we still be friends?” “No!” I walk away and he screams. “I’m sorry I hurt you. Thanks for doing my laundry. You’ll have someone new by tomorrow, ha.”
He thinks he hurt me? I’m some stupid little girl who flatters him? He thinks I need a man? I can’t believe I’d been doing his laundry. That was a horrible analogy. I was just compared to an animal. Thankfully, it was a good one. Who wants to date someone who hunts for sport? A sneaky cat with sharp features, like Alice. Alice, I was right, he was who I thought he’d be. I had been dating an egotistical maniac, how come I didn’t see it earlier? How dare he get the last word in? Go tell him how his life will be. How all along you were right. I run back. You want some passive aggressive cat? You will have her. Her name is Alice. She’s a cat I envisioned you with months ago. She has the personality of a toe and only gives two word answers to any question she’s asked. Her only means of knowing what’s going on in the world is via Fox News. She will write #blessed after her obnoxious photos she’ll post of you two on Instagram. She never shows any sort of emotion, and her features are sharp like a cat. Her only way of recycling is separating paper and garbage; clearly she thinks it’s 1997. She will say to your children ridiculous phrases like, “touch with your eyes, not with your hands.” Or worse give them options. “Option A -you can stop crying and we get ice-scream. Option B -you can cry and you get a time out. As if a six month old understands options. One of the saddest parts of your life will be she will teach your children that the only cure for mental illness is prayer.
Instead, I say. “Hey, your beard is stupid, and so is Park Slope.” “You realize we are in Williamsburg.” “Whatever, it’s stupid.” “Then why did you just say you loved it.” “ I changed my mind. It’s like people pay to make themselves look bad. Take a shower.” “Says the environmentalist.” “Whatever.” As he walks away I’m tempted to apologize for my comments about Brooklyn, and his cute little beard. I’d actually grown to love the borough and it was my idea to keep the beard. I’m also tempted to describe my many cat traits. Thankfully, I couldn’t think of any.